Heeeyyy

By the way...

I have been in Japan since late June!
Whoops!

But if you didn`t know that then you aren`t a good friend! :P

SO! Head over to my other blog to check out the uber amazing awesome adventure I have been having!

www.allisonjapan.blogspot.com

YO!

Ew! Cooties!

Lately, my heart is beating really fast!
And I do that stupid giggle laugh which I really hate.
If I was me - I would want to wipe that annoying smile off my face!
SRSLY. Where is my cynicism?
(But really - can I help it if all I want to do is hold hands with you? <3)

Rawr! *stabs self to death*

Revenge of the French horns!

And now for something a little more upbeat!

Omm-PA-omm-Pa-omm-PA-PA-PA-PA-French-PA-Horns-PA-Will-PA-Kill-PA-you-PA-all-PA!

...

PA!

And I thought I thought life was stable.

Before in this blog I said that, despite all the young deaths in my life, I knew that life is not such a fragile thing and that most people do not die young.

So why, on Thursday night, was that the first thing my mind went to? My mom sent me a text to call her when I got home from work - somehow, I knew something was wrong. And I could barely think the rest of work and rushed home to call my mom - praying the entire time. 'Oh Lord God,' I thought, 'I can't do this. Please. There are too many people that I love.' Why? Why did my mind jump to, 'Oh God, not another one. Please, no. Who's next?' In a panic I thought of all the people I loved, all my friends, and wondered who God was going to take away from me.

Let me just say - nobody was dead, nobody was hurt. My dad went to the hospital for chest pains and they kept him there overnight - but he's home now, and everything, as far as I know, is fine.

But I guess I was wrong about myself. I don't believe life is stable. I believe it's a horribly fragile thing that can be taken at any moment, even at a young age. And I am terrified that someone I love is going to die.

I don't know what else to say. If I could I would give anything to protect the lives of those I love. But I can't even hold one life in my arms - let alone all the people close to me.

I guess the only thing I can do is keeping praying for a shield of protection around them.

This is the air I breath

Sometimes the anxiety builds up too much.
And it's like I am just sitting there and my heart is constantly beating at weird fast intervals and I can hardly breath and I am freaking out because I can't breath and my mind is racing fifty million miles an hour and I feel the panic attack coming on. But I know if I have a panic attack I might pass out and besides - I am much too busy to have a panic attack! I have place to be! People to see!
That's how it was the beginning of this week.

And Dear God - I was so in trouble.
It has been a long time since I felt like that. I can't even remember the time before that...

And that's when I realized - It's because lately, I haven't been trusting God. All my anxiety and worry was building up to the point that it literally felt like it was going to suffocate me. Because I had so many things to do and, basically, had to save the world. Key point: I had to, not God.

So I went to the Tuesday Night prayer service where I realized: For years, I use to feel like that every day. WhenI couldn't breath and just wanted to cry but never let out any tears - every freaking day! So why did I stop feeling that way?

Because I found peace through my God. He saved me - he allowed me to breath! He pumps my heart and gives me breath!

As I was leaving the service, with a rediscovered peace, I felt the wind whip against my body and I thought: Surely, just as close as this wind is to my body - God is holding me tighter.

It's pretty amazing what happens/how it feels when you trust God with things. SO. Here is my prayer list (or at least a shortened version) - of worries I am turning over to God:

That I get accepted by AFS Japan
Give James strength
A miracle for Bree
All those who are mourning:
of Arte, Hannah, Megan, Alyssa, Annaliese's dad, Nicole's mom, Mae's dad, Dave's grandparents, etc.
For healing for all those with illness:
Megan, Karly, Bree
To watch over Monica, though she is far away
To be with Corey and Tamara and strengthen their relationship in your love
Same with Jeremiah and Pastor Jen - especially in this time apart - and to be with their respective churches
To keep my mom and dad so in love
God use me - so that when people see me, they see Him
For Ryan, Megan, Izzi, Rachel, etc - all those that I love dearly to please - protect them

As you can see - I can't even begin to cover all those things myself! And forget my homework! No wonder I can't breath when I try to take care of them all myself...

Thank God that Jesus is my breath.

Waiting.

I was just thinking that I would like to write something. But what? What has happened in my life? I am just sitting here, waiting for something to happen, so that I can write about it. And then the word struck me - waiting.

I have always felt that I have been waiting for something. If I had to sum up my life in one word it would be: waiting.

For the longest time I felt as if I was waiting for my life to begin. I felt as if I was living someone else's life, not truly living. Maybe this is the whole adolescent "finding yourself" stuff. But I knew I was feeling this way - and accepted that my life hadn't started - and so I began to feel like I wasn't living - turning into wishes that I could stop living. It's all very tricky, messy business. Not very much fun, either.

Roughly a year ago, I got the life I had been waning away for want of. And I told myself that I - that God - had pressed the play button on my life. It's all very cheesy. But I feel as if I did start living then...and still am. Living, that is. Occasionally, I do things that I get so disgusted with myself about. And all that other lame stuff.

And finally - I am comfortable with things. With the way my days go by, with the people around me, how I feel loved, and accepted. And all that good stuff.

But I still feel like I am waiting for something. (Other than my letter for AFS, that is~)
But I really don't want to put my life on hold again.

End ramble! End waiting! End war!
Or something like that.