Somewhere an adventure waits.

Heeeyyy

2009-08-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

By the way...

I have been in Japan since late June!
Whoops!

But if you didn`t know that then you aren`t a good friend! :P

SO! Head over to my other blog to check out the uber amazing awesome adventure I have been having!

www.allisonjapan.blogspot.com

YO!

2009-06-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

Ew! Cooties!

2009-05-14T14:18:00.001-07:00

Lately, my heart is beating really fast!
And I do that stupid giggle laugh which I really hate.
If I was me - I would want to wipe that annoying smile off my face!
SRSLY. Where is my cynicism?
(But really - can I help it if all I want to do is hold hands with you? <3)

Rawr! *stabs self to death*

Revenge of the French horns!

2009-05-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

And now for something a little more upbeat!

Omm-PA-omm-Pa-omm-PA-PA-PA-PA-French-PA-Horns-PA-Will-PA-Kill-PA-you-PA-all-PA!

...

PA!

And I thought I thought life was stable.

2009-05-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

Before in this blog I said that, despite all the young deaths in my life, I knew that life is not such a fragile thing and that most people do not die young.

So why, on Thursday night, was that the first thing my mind went to? My mom sent me a text to call her when I got home from work - somehow, I knew something was wrong. And I could barely think the rest of work and rushed home to call my mom - praying the entire time. 'Oh Lord God,' I thought, 'I can't do this. Please. There are too many people that I love.' Why? Why did my mind jump to, 'Oh God, not another one. Please, no. Who's next?' In a panic I thought of all the people I loved, all my friends, and wondered who God was going to take away from me.

Let me just say - nobody was dead, nobody was hurt. My dad went to the hospital for chest pains and they kept him there overnight - but he's home now, and everything, as far as I know, is fine.

But I guess I was wrong about myself. I don't believe life is stable. I believe it's a horribly fragile thing that can be taken at any moment, even at a young age. And I am terrified that someone I love is going to die.

I don't know what else to say. If I could I would give anything to protect the lives of those I love. But I can't even hold one life in my arms - let alone all the people close to me.

I guess the only thing I can do is keeping praying for a shield of protection around them.

This is the air I breath

2009-04-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the anxiety builds up too much.
And it's like I am just sitting there and my heart is constantly beating at weird fast intervals and I can hardly breath and I am freaking out because I can't breath and my mind is racing fifty million miles an hour and I feel the panic attack coming on. But I know if I have a panic attack I might pass out and besides - I am much too busy to have a panic attack! I have place to be! People to see!
That's how it was the beginning of this week.

And Dear God - I was so in trouble.
It has been a long time since I felt like that. I can't even remember the time before that...

And that's when I realized - It's because lately, I haven't been trusting God. All my anxiety and worry was building up to the point that it literally felt like it was going to suffocate me. Because I had so many things to do and, basically, had to save the world. Key point: I had to, not God.

So I went to the Tuesday Night prayer service where I realized: For years, I use to feel like that every day. WhenI couldn't breath and just wanted to cry but never let out any tears - every freaking day! So why did I stop feeling that way?

Because I found peace through my God. He saved me - he allowed me to breath! He pumps my heart and gives me breath!

As I was leaving the service, with a rediscovered peace, I felt the wind whip against my body and I thought: Surely, just as close as this wind is to my body - God is holding me tighter.

It's pretty amazing what happens/how it feels when you trust God with things. SO. Here is my prayer list (or at least a shortened version) - of worries I am turning over to God:

That I get accepted by AFS Japan
Give James strength
A miracle for Bree
All those who are mourning:
of Arte, Hannah, Megan, Alyssa, Annaliese's dad, Nicole's mom, Mae's dad, Dave's grandparents, etc.
For healing for all those with illness:
Megan, Karly, Bree
To watch over Monica, though she is far away
To be with Corey and Tamara and strengthen their relationship in your love
Same with Jeremiah and Pastor Jen - especially in this time apart - and to be with their respective churches
To keep my mom and dad so in love
God use me - so that when people see me, they see Him
For Ryan, Megan, Izzi, Rachel, etc - all those that I love dearly to please - protect them

As you can see - I can't even begin to cover all those things myself! And forget my homework! No wonder I can't breath when I try to take care of them all myself...

Thank God that Jesus is my breath.

Waiting.

2009-04-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking that I would like to write something. But what? What has happened in my life? I am just sitting here, waiting for something to happen, so that I can write about it. And then the word struck me - waiting.

I have always felt that I have been waiting for something. If I had to sum up my life in one word it would be: waiting.

For the longest time I felt as if I was waiting for my life to begin. I felt as if I was living someone else's life, not truly living. Maybe this is the whole adolescent "finding yourself" stuff. But I knew I was feeling this way - and accepted that my life hadn't started - and so I began to feel like I wasn't living - turning into wishes that I could stop living. It's all very tricky, messy business. Not very much fun, either.

Roughly a year ago, I got the life I had been waning away for want of. And I told myself that I - that God - had pressed the play button on my life. It's all very cheesy. But I feel as if I did start living then...and still am. Living, that is. Occasionally, I do things that I get so disgusted with myself about. And all that other lame stuff.

And finally - I am comfortable with things. With the way my days go by, with the people around me, how I feel loved, and accepted. And all that good stuff.

But I still feel like I am waiting for something. (Other than my letter for AFS, that is~)
But I really don't want to put my life on hold again.

End ramble! End waiting! End war!
Or something like that.

Good Friday

2009-04-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

As I was sitting in the Good Friday service, I wondered, where are the tears?

In the past two years, 3 people whom I have known have died: one a friend, two acquaintances. Before that only my grandfather had died, years before.

I know that life is not a fragile thing and that most people do not die young. But my life the past few years has told me otherwise. I have always considered my overactive imagination one of my best assets...but not when it leads me to places where I don't want to go. I imagine the death of a close friend, a family member...And I have to fight my mind to get it to stop going down that path. I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone so close to me, I can only compare it to the grief I have felt before.

What I am trying to say is...

Every time I have encountered the news of death - it has been accompanied by tears. With my grandpa, I held it in for hours until I could be alone. For Hannah it was an instantaneous breakdown, physically and emotionally. Megan and Alyssa - shock and then tears intermixed with pray for their families.

I am a very emotional person. I try not to let on and it's not like I have mood swings or anything. But I cry at movies, books, when I am so overwhelmed, and, obviously, death. The last of these is a very different kind of tears from say, crying during a sad movie. Grief, mourning, shock....

So where were my tears tonight? My savior is dead. Why am I not crying?

I said I fear someone close to me dying. Someone closer than Hannah was - it's the bad dream I fight off on sleepless nights. How close is Jesus to me? My father, my brother, my lover, my best friend, my comforter, my savior, my lord - the list goes on. And yet none of these words can describe Him. Perhaps - my hope, my future, my life - would do a better job. But they are still inadequate. How can I imagine the loss of my lord? If my faith was dead - where would I be? What would I do? I can't live if my lord is dead. I would be completely lost in the dark.

So that is where I am on Good Friday. How would I have felt if I was there, watching my lord and my hope dying on that cross? I am sure there was much crying, much weeping, much mourning, and much darkness. The disciples did not have the hope of Easter morning.

My Lord is a God who knows death intimately. He knows mourning and he knows tears. And will I ever be able to mourn the death of my savior, as those early followers did? I don't think I could face that darkness - not alone. But I know, I am not alone...

Because I know of Easter morning.
And my tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy.

The other notepad

2009-04-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have only been writing on a notepad that sits on my nightstand beside my bed. Sometimes, I wonder if anybody were to go through and read these short notes...would they be able to piece together parts of my life? It helps me - to wake up to something encouraging, to get a worry off my chest before I go to bed, or simply, to write something down so I don't forget. But it's simply not enough.

And so - I hope for this to be "the other notepad." Perhaps just as sporadic but a little more in-depth. It won't be the first and last thing before I turn off/on my lights - but hopefully, it'll help me to write again.

I do have another blog, but it is solely for the purpose of documenting my hopeful upcoming adventures...(And to fulfill the scholarship requirement.) This, this will be different.
Speaking of, every day as I get no letter in the mail and no notification in my inbox I get more and more knots in my stomach. What if I don't get accepted? I can't even imagine. I have never wanted something this bad, and I don't know how I would bear it being taken away from me.

Speaking of - what do you say to a friend whom everything is being taken away from? His father long gone. His girlfriend battling cancer. His friend recently buried. His will to live dwindling. And his faith being torn to shreds. I have been doing my best - but I am only a human. And I fear, so is he. I have never needed to believe in the power of pray as much as I have now, for his sake. Every day is an answered pray...because he is still alive. Every breath his girlfriend takes a sigh of relief. But what happens...if it all falls apart? I continue praying for a miracle.

On a more upbeat note - I am going to prom! I am very excited! I shouldn't be. It's just a night of bad music that I can't dance to anyways. But a poof-y dress is in my future! =)