Good Friday

As I was sitting in the Good Friday service, I wondered, where are the tears?

In the past two years, 3 people whom I have known have died: one a friend, two acquaintances. Before that only my grandfather had died, years before.

I know that life is not a fragile thing and that most people do not die young. But my life the past few years has told me otherwise. I have always considered my overactive imagination one of my best assets...but not when it leads me to places where I don't want to go. I imagine the death of a close friend, a family member...And I have to fight my mind to get it to stop going down that path. I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone so close to me, I can only compare it to the grief I have felt before.

What I am trying to say is...

Every time I have encountered the news of death - it has been accompanied by tears. With my grandpa, I held it in for hours until I could be alone. For Hannah it was an instantaneous breakdown, physically and emotionally. Megan and Alyssa - shock and then tears intermixed with pray for their families.

I am a very emotional person. I try not to let on and it's not like I have mood swings or anything. But I cry at movies, books, when I am so overwhelmed, and, obviously, death. The last of these is a very different kind of tears from say, crying during a sad movie. Grief, mourning, shock....

So where were my tears tonight? My savior is dead. Why am I not crying?

I said I fear someone close to me dying. Someone closer than Hannah was - it's the bad dream I fight off on sleepless nights. How close is Jesus to me? My father, my brother, my lover, my best friend, my comforter, my savior, my lord - the list goes on. And yet none of these words can describe Him. Perhaps - my hope, my future, my life - would do a better job. But they are still inadequate. How can I imagine the loss of my lord? If my faith was dead - where would I be? What would I do? I can't live if my lord is dead. I would be completely lost in the dark.

So that is where I am on Good Friday. How would I have felt if I was there, watching my lord and my hope dying on that cross? I am sure there was much crying, much weeping, much mourning, and much darkness. The disciples did not have the hope of Easter morning.

My Lord is a God who knows death intimately. He knows mourning and he knows tears. And will I ever be able to mourn the death of my savior, as those early followers did? I don't think I could face that darkness - not alone. But I know, I am not alone...

Because I know of Easter morning.
And my tears of sorrow turn to tears of joy.